Regarding my hearing…

Despite it being two and a half years later, I was ready for it to be over rather than being ready and prepared for it to begin.

Being in this position is not something you ever think will happen to you.

Even when it does, I think you live with a weird disbelief that it’s actually happening and living with it in the background whilst life goes on. It’s like a slow poison or illness and you are waiting for a reversal or cure.

Even though I am a professional and have completed university learning, I still found the personal reflection and the insight extremely difficult due to the nature of the case. 

I wouldn’t say I found my legal support overly helpful, and at one point I made a complaint. 

I was disappointed that I received notification that my hearing would be after the Christmas break. My union rep was on holiday, my legal rep was on holiday, in fact they didn’t return from holiday until three days after my hearing commenced.  I was given a second contact in that office, but the office was closed until the day before my hearing, and I never got to speak to my barrister until the actual day of my hearing. 

I sent important information to my legal rep who requested it but they didn’t pass this on to my barrister and I received no explanation of why. 

Thankfully I found Cathryn from NMCWatch who was able to help me with my reflection. What followed was a much more superior version for me to work on compared to what I had already done and this gave me a glimmer of hope. 

On the day of the hearing, I was a little intimidated by the whole procedure and by those present. For personal reasons it was agreed I could attend my hearing remotely. 

I think I found the panel to be neutral but you can never tell. I know it’s their job, but I found the NMC barrister bringing the case against me rather unpleasant in their handling of my case, and throughout they asked for the charges to be changed several times. 

They made several suggestions about me and my character which were so far off the mark and I found that extremely distressing. 

I was questioned and I answered with full transparency and honesty. 

Despite doing 10 paid training courses prior to my hearing, at the very end a member of the panel questioned these courses and pointed out that none of them were accredited. The panel member said, therefore, that they would not stand and this meant my insight fell short of what was expected. 

I was very disappointed by this. I included in my reflection a summary of the courses I had done, what I had learnt from them and how they helped me change my practice. Therefore to be told they would not be given any weight just because they weren’t accredited was very confusing. When we revalidate there are a number of ways we can show our CPD and I was under the impression it would be the same for my hearing.

During the hearing, there was only one witness who did not attend and due to this over 80% of their witness statement was redacted. This meant that the statements could not be challenged and I felt angry and frustrated by this. 

One of my testimonials was also declined. I just thought to myself, well all the information was in the legal bundle so it will have been read so hopefully even if one little thing sticks with the panel members, then that is better than it never having been read at all. 

The NMC barrister continued their attempts to make me out to be some type of monster. My barrister openly spoke out about how far off the mark this was and that the case against me was nothing more than a boundary issue and as such should be treated in this way. 

The NMC barrister called for a striking-off order, or at least a suspension, which I was shocked at – it was beyond belief to me and I was not prepared for this. 

My barrister acknowledged that as I had accepted the new charges this showed that the case was not as serious as was being painted and asked for the case to be closed with no punishment. We accepted however that to get no sanction would be unlikely and so therefore called for either a caution or conditions of practice. 

Each day of the hearing brought multiple delays. We adjourned for what felt like the 400th time on the third day for the panel to consider my punishment, I just had to navigate one final day – decision day. Again, there were multiple delays before I was eventually called in just before lunch, and three minutes later it was all over – a two-year caution. 

The panel chair thanked everyone for their time and then had a pointed one-way dialogue with me.

He thanked me for appearing, for engaging, and for my transparency and honesty throughout the proceedings. He acknowledged the difficulties of the case and how they must have impacted me. 

I thanked the chair and that was that, the live feed ended, it was all over. 

I have since informed my friends and family and thanked them all for their support, it doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel over, this I feel will take some time. I don’t know how much longer I will remain in nursing, I’m approaching my 20th year in the NHS and I don’t like what I am seeing. My experience of FtP has just compounded that feeling. Let’s just see what happens, no overthinking, no pressure; I’m just going to try to relax and enjoy the feeling of this situation dissolving from my mind like a bad dream and do the best I can going forward and “Que sera, sera” – Whatever will be, will be. But I will make my future choice in good time and not as a knee-jerk decision. I know that to make a decision now about my future career would not be wise as it’s too soon – I’m too raw.